you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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