I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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