totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
