I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
