I'm going to jail i love you
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize