So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
