So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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