I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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