thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
