Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Found the puke drawer
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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