Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
there is another microwave in the elevator.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
