Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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