i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
