Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
