She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
