I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
