I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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