Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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