Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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