what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
