Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
