Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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