It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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