The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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