He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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