you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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