Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I look better un-naked...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
