i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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