Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
