ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
