I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We're too hungover to prance.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize