Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
