'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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