Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
