I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
