On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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