guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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