I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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