I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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