if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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