there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
