Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
