i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
