Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
