Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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