he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
