My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
