I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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