Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
