wrigley field is MILF paradise
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
