Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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