can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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