I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
