3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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