Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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