I was born with a shot glass in my hand
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
