OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
