Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
