Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
